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What are boundaries and why are they important? A boundary is a clear line. It can tell you where to stop and can define where one thing ends and another begins. In any relationship, boundaries define things like our identity, responsibility and it's about creating rules and setting your limits. They can be physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, financial and more.
Having healthy boundaries is important for your well-being and self care. Without them we can feel taken advantage of, used or intruded upon. This can lead to feeling hurt, anger, resentment and burnout. Having boundaries is essential to have healthy relationships.
Are you a yes person? Do you find yourself taking on extra because you feel you don’t want to say no? Be it work or close relationships, we can feel like we have to engage in people pleasing behaviours, putting the needs of others before our own. You can feel a huge responsibility for other people's happiness. Saying no is something that doesn’t always come easy but if you don’t set these boundaries for yourself then it can leave you feeling powerless and not taking responsibility for your own life.
Having boundaries creates a clear line for what is okay and not okay for us. We all have different comfort zones of what our levels are but when someone oversteps these boundaries, be it intimacy, privacy or kindness, then we need to let others know that they have crossed our line, that it is not okay and to ensure we prioritise our needs not those of others.
When women prioritise themselves, those around them will see the benefits but often this doesn't happen and we encounter burnout. Women are socially conditioned to give to others, engage in people-pleasing behaviour and sacrifice our own needs and happiness for others.
I have engaged in people pleasing behaviour over the years and only when I took myself on a soul-searching journey of self-discovery, transformation, overcoming and becoming did I understand myself better, was able to set boundaries and not feel bad about doing so. Saying no came easier as I was able to respect my needs as equal to others.
It can be difficult to set boundaries if you haven’t been used to doing so and some people will push back if you start to say no. You may be tested to how far you will stick to the boundary but don’t think that you should then change, stay strong and be clear in what you want and don’t want. At first I felt huge guilt, selfishness and like I was letting other people down. I really didn’t want to offend anyone so it took some adjustment in mindset that setting boundaries was beneficial to everyone.
In setting these clear rules you allow yourself to grow in self esteem, self respect and a mutual trust will grow between you and the other person. You deserve to protect your physical, emotional and spiritual space from intrusion. Empower yourself to separate what you want, what you need, your feelings and desires from what others want. We all have different boundaries and all need to be respected as equal.
You will know when your boundaries have been crossed or violated by the way it makes us feel. You may have feelings of anger, anxiety, feeling drained and exhausted, or confused. Narcissists are well known for violating boundaries and it may seem impossible to set boundaries with anyone who displays narcissistic traits. If you find yourself in a difficult or dangerous situation with someone it may not be safe to set these boundaries and I would encourage you to work with a professional such as a therapist or counsellor to address these issues and create a safety plan for yourself.
To set boundaries you must start with self awareness, listening to your intuition and allowing yourself to tune into understanding how you feel or act and know you have the power to change this if it is not serving you well. Empower yourself to know that you are in control of your actions and also reactions to other people. No is enough. It is a lifelong habit we should get into and practice daily.
Here are some tips on how to set and stick to good boundaries:
Make sure your boundaries are aligned with your values and goals. This means having a sense of self, who you are and who you want to be.
Set boundaries when you have a clear mind, feel grounded and thinking calmly.
Remember boundaries equal more connection not less. They are there to promote respect and enhance relationships.
Understand why you are setting the boundaries. They are there to preserve your energy physically, emotionally and spiritually so you don't reach burnout and exhuastion.
Use your knowledge of the relationship you are setting boundaries with to help you assess any difficulties that may occur so you are prepared for this.
Accept that it doesn't always come easy. Setting new boundaries may carry with it feelings of unease and you may be pushed out of your comfort zone. Go slow and take it easy on yourself.
Your boundaries don't always need to come with an explanation. You don't need an excuse for how you feel.
Be prepared for push back. This may happen but the more you can go back into the history of that relationship and discover issues that may arise, then the better prepared you will be to deal with them when or if they come up.
Stand firm. Don't back down and apologise. Own your feelings and actions.
Tune into your intuition. Listen to yourself and your emotions. How does it make you feel? Are their any red flags?
Connect with like minded people. Surround yourself with other that respect your boundaries and accept you are in control of your life.
Rid yourself of toxicity. Contact professionals to guide you through this if you need to. No one deserves to make themselves smaller to allow others to grow. You are worthy. You deserve love. You can be the change.
What will your first step be in setting your healthy boundaries? Are you ready to make some real positive changes in your life? You can make it happen and I am committed to help support you to unlock your potential so please book in a complementary discovery session to find out how we can work together and make a difference.
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